Friendship Perspective Taking

I went to dinner with a group of women friends recently. A very New England group - wealthy, fit and pretty, and live very homogenius lives for the most part. Tennis, PTA, coffees, husbands socialize, jewelry parties, you get the drift. Karen grew up in the area, has her family local, and has a wide array of friends from work, school, and the community. I have always been envious of her comfort and how easy her life seems to me. How nice is it that she has so many people to call for sitters, to go for coffee, a real solid base. I've told her she has an amazing life. She's offered to help me with the kids, which I've taken her up on before. She really gets it and is thankful.

I am somehow accepted into this group although I don't feel I fit in exactly. Good enough, they can be fun, our kids go to school together, a night out is always a plus. Anyway, one of the women, let's call her Karen, starts talking about another mom that's not there, Jennifer. Karen sets up her story first by saying the right things, "I shouldn't be talking bad about her, she's really nice, it's nothing really." We all lean in, eagerly awaiting any juicy story.

I felt conflicted because I recently met Jennifer and thought she was really nice, and better yet, was a UNIQUE person that had passion and good energy. I recently talked to her at an event, we didn't even talk about kids, a breath of fresh air. I thought I should "say something" but decided against it. I thought it may ruin the fun for everyone, knowing this is dinner party conversation, no need to be so serious. So I sat back and just listened.

She starts to say how Jennifer is very quirky, she learned how to knit, and then a month later went into the knitting store and bought yarn for 5 sweaters (for her family) and became totally obsessed. They all laughed about it, and I sat there thinking how I liked that about her, her passion and drive. She goes on to say that Jennifer's husband tells people that Karen's husband is "one of his best friends". And also tells people the same about her, that they are "good friends". They all laugh about it, saying how crazy that is, that they aren't even "friends", they carpool together and do PTA stuff, but that's it. Karen's husband states they aren't friends either, they went to school together, and in fact they all made fun of him because he was so nerdy and strange.

Funny, I had plans later that week with Jennifer, and that night I met her husband. Definitely an Aspie! I really liked him a lot. He didn't "get" that we were talking girl talk at one point, and continued to stand there. He even joined us with a glass of wine. It was a little threesome, certainly not what I expected, but still fun. I would've rather chatted with just Jen, but that's what was going on. At one point, he mentioned Karen and said her husband was one of his best friends!

I thought about the two different versions of friendships over the next day. I realized that neither person was "wrong". Jennifer's husband hardly socializes and doesn't have a large stable of friends like Karen's husband does. According to Jen's husband, his perspective is that YES, they are very close. According to Karen's, they are not, because he has a wide array of friends, and doesn't even consider him in the category of friend, just a classmate. Neither husband are aware of each others perspective.

I am very aware of the friendship disparity with my own situation. As a west coast transplant and Autism refugee, I try not to take it personally when I'm not at the top of the list with some of my friends. My "close" friends and BFF live peppered all over the country, none are local. I have many "good" friends locally, especially Autism friends. Even Karen is a good friend, we've known each other a long time. I am not sure if it's worth pointing all this out to Karen or not. Either way, I know it's not malicious, just ignorant, and maybe insensitive.

Seems that perspective taking doesn't happen as often as it could.

Q2 Update

We got report cards yesterday. I wasn't as nervous about this one since it wasn't our first experience with 3rd grade and this teacher. Everything still looks great! Icecream, a call to Grandma, high-5's, and cudos all around. He is a solid B student, and has shown improvement in several areas;

1) following directions (in personal development section), an executive functioning challenge for him.
2) using word analysis skills (reading section),
3) writing with organization, spelling correctly, and spacing letters and words appropriately (writing section). His teacher said "He shows strong word work and editing strategies in his daily work and is now giving more details in his writing." Pretty amazing since he has to work much harder than the typical student.

In P.E., he shows highest marks for sportsmanship, behavior, and effort, but "Satisfactory" for developing strength, skills, and endurance. No surprise here! I still can't believe he can do age appropriate skills. And to think he LOVES gym, and isn't affected by his largeness not matching the stereotype of a "tough football kid". He has similar marks in art, where he is just "Satisfactory". And highest marks for Music. Again, no surprise!

And speaking of Music, who in the heck invented the Recorder? I'm sure I'll offend someone when I say that it's the STUPIDEST instrument! I mean really! I hate the sound, and I openly complain to Leo when he has to practice. Poor kid, no role model here. I guess I'm a snob, as we continue with piano lessons at home (I teach them). I do look forward to the Spring Concert, where his class will play that dumb instrument while tears stream down my face.

As far as his personality goes, he is very well liked by his teacher and peers. His teacher says "Leo's genuine kindness and eagerness to help others is contagious and is a wonderful example to his peers."

Wow, is all I can say. His personality has nothing to do with parenting. We are just very blessed by his wonderful soul being in our lives each day.

Leo's social development continues to grow as far as I can see, in a typical fashion. I'm no expert for this age, as my daughter is 2 1/2 years younger. He still enjoys carpooling to baseball with one of his good friends. Recess is great, still revolves around activity led. I recently asked him who he usually sits with at lunch. It sounds like he rotates between his two good friends from class (they can only sit with their class). He told me one friend told Leo he was sitting more with the other friend, and asked if Leo could sit with him that day. Leo said he felt bad, and now really tries to "make it even." So sweet! If you told me years ago that kids would seek Leo as a friend that way, I'd say you are smoking something.

Recently, I found myself walking around Target with my 4'9" son looking for the "right" sweatpants that all his friends are wearing at school. He picked out 3 black pairs, all allegedly "very different, Mom." One pair, made that "swishy" noise. Each had stripes along the side - one with red, one blue, and one white. I said, "How about the same pair, but in grey?", as I held them up. "Nah." I tried navy, but no luck. So I was at the register, surrounded by pimply teens with their undies showing, buying 3 pairs of similar BLACK sweatpants. His new uniform, that goes with his fancy basketball shoes.

As we were getting ready for school this morning, I asked Leo if he was going to take his racoon Webinz to school (it was on the table near his backpack). He said, no. When I asked why, he said that most people don't bring them to school anymore. I shrug and say, "Oh, okay." A true follower, which is fine with me. Follower, leader, I just don't care. As we gather our things to leave, Sydney says "Hey Mom, Leo doesn't have his jacket zipped." And I say, "I know Sydney, Leo knows the rules, I'm sure he'll remember to zip it before we leave the garage." Leo chuckles a little while shaking his head, and says, "Of course, you had to say that loud enough so I could hear it." Which I did! Busted!

These little exchanges demonstrate that his Theory Of Mind is working well enough. Well enough to take shots at his Mom,
well enough to know his sister lives for these opportunities,
well enough to have a chuckle with his family before a long day of school.

Those Handy Non-Stick Pans

Non-stick chemical exposure tied to small babies
Fri Aug 17, 2:27 PM ET

Exposure of the developing fetus to certain polyfluoroalkyl compounds, which are used in non-stick cookware and for other applications, may reduce birth weight and size, according to a report in the July 31st online issue of Environmental Health Perspectives.

Still, the authors note that the risk conferred by such exposure appears to be small and they advise caution in interpreting the findings until they can be replicated in other groups.

Research in rodents has suggested that exposure to the chemicals perfluorooctane sulfonate (PFOS) and perfluorooctanoate (PFOA) harms development, senior author Dr. Lynn R. Goldman, from Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health in Baltimore, and colleagues note. Whether this holds true in humans, however, was unclear.

To investigate, the researchers tested cord blood samples from 293 pregnant women for PFOA and PFOS and then examined the levels in relation to pregnancy outcomes.

In adjusted analyses, cord blood levels of both chemicals were inversely related to birth weight and head circumference.

Previous reports have shown that these chemicals can alter blood lipid levels, which could adversely affect fetal development, the authors note. However, in the present study, the association between PFOA and PFOS exposure and birth weight or size was independent of cord blood lipid levels.

Further research is needed to verify the findings and better understand if the relationship is causal, the authors conclude.

SOURCE: Environmental Health Perspectives 2007.

Ten years ago I got a lot of flack from my then fiance when I wanted to register for "regular" pots and pans, not the non-stick kind. I didn't think they were safe, and had read what they were made out of. It's no use to mention it to Hubbie. He'll just nod his head.

Today, I have one child with an ASD, but regular pans.

Today I have two friends that are pregnant. What should I share, if anything? Now that science has deemed this information worthy? When asked, what should I say about the toxin-free sunscreen I've been using all year? What should I say when my friend is considering vaccinating her infant, when her preschooler had a reaction to the MMR? (he lost some speech and had little eye contact for a few weeks, then spontaneously recovered to previous functioning level)

What will make me gain a friend or lose one?

One of many environmental exposures to duck and weave away from. Lead in toys, mercury in vaccines. So much to think about.

Growing Up

Check Out Those Supplements...an ASD Kitchen


I had a VERY interesting day yesterday. Leo had his 1st grade "archnemisis" over for a play date! Could it be? Charlie (the bus taunter/teaser?) from my 1/27/06 entry on http://www.hiddenrecovery.com/summaryoutlineleo.html

Natch, I barely slept the night before because I was consumed by the fact that the boy that gave my son so much grief will be over! And I was nervous about handling him. The one time he was over, I failed miserably at managing him (in my defense the parents didn't give me a heads up, can we say PID??) He broke some toys, crashed Leo's bike into a tree after riding over my pumpkin vines, dumped every toy bin over, and scared Sydney on purpose among other things. How much can happen in one play date? A LOT.

Let me just say it. IT WENT WELL. SUCCESS AND NO STRESS. Woohoo! I don't know if it's going to happen often, but they do like each other and had some fun.

And now for some background on this duo...This boy Charlie and Leo were on "different teams" and "not friends" practically all last year, after their friendship quickly fizzled. Leo was quickly turned off by his very active behavior and that he got into "trouble" so much at school. Later on in the year Charlie and a mid-year transfer student Harrison became fast friends. Of course, because life is complicated, Charlie and Harrison ride the same bus and live on the same road.

So recently, Harrison didn't ride the bus for a couple of days. Charlie and Leo sat together, and I gather they "discovered" each other. They are not in the same 2nd grade class this year, although Harrison and Leo are. They both began asking for playdates, which terrified me. I knew from last year that Charlie was on different medication and doing well with listening and controlling unacceptable behavior. I'm guessing he's ADHD. So because I'd seen able to observe him, AND I really wanted success, especially with a neighbor, I wanted to make this work (like I have anything to do with it).

They didn't quite know what to do with each other for the first 20 minutes. I thought "Oh God!!!". Charlie kept walking around and around and around while Leo was patiently following him asking him if he'd like to do X, Y, or Z. Finally, with some suggestions from me, they began playing outside. Natch, Charlie found the only dangerous thing out there, a fallen tree that hadn't quite fallen completely (yes, danger danger)and decided to hang from it, and in 5 minutes, convince Sydney to climb it. Images of dead or trapped kids danced in my head. Yes, the part about keeping my eye on him the entire time...I should've kept my plan intact. But other than that, they jumped on the tramp and ran around finding stuff.

I was pretty proud of Charlie - he has learned to listen and had some self-control. He also considered Leo's feelings and preferences. Not much eye contact, actually less than last year. Towards the end, I let them play X-Box (whatever that is). It involves the T.V. is all I know.

I couldn't believe it - I had prepared myself for anything - I had all my chores done including dinner. I had prepped Sydney that I'd have no time with her as I'd be occupied with the boys' safety. And it all turned out well. His mom came to pick up, and I told her what a wonderful kid he is, and that they had to refamiliarize themselves, but after that warmup period, they got along. Clearly they don't have too much in common, but both had fun. I was so proud of Leo - he didn't mention football, soccer, or any other sports games to do since he knew Charlie wouldn't be interested.

His mom has never mentioned Charlie's differences, nor have I mentioned anything about Charlie's history with Leo. I threw out several openings, but she didn't bite. Clearly she doesn't want to share with me, which is understandable. She has no idea what people say about her son, and I know he doesn't get invited to many birthday parties, etc, because he's a behavior problem. The mom doesn't stay at parties to facilitate, which makes it even harder for other parents to learn about Charlie and keep him from becoming even more unpopular.

So that's that story.

Harrison, the other little boy that is Charlie's best pal, is a good friend of Leo's too. We even went trick-or-treating with him and his family. Anyway, Leo and Harrison got into an argument, so for about a week "they weren't friends". Again, it began as a bus issue. Every day, Harrison and Leo would race to the bus, hoping to be first in line. Many times Harrison would get there first, but if Leo did, Harrison would elbow his way ahead of Leo, pushing him out of the way so Leo would be second. Leo told Harrison every day to stop it, that he didn't like it. But Harrison ignored him and remained 1st in line.

So at the end of the week, Leo told me about it, and that he was really frustrated because Harrison wouldn't listen. I said that friends don't treat each other like that. That friendship is about respecting each other, etc. With Leo always in control, I asked him what he thought he could do to solve the problem. Talking to Harrison wasn't working. What could he do now?

He didn't have any ideas, and so I suggested that he "ignore" Harrison, or tell him that he's not being a friend, and until he knocks it off with the bus line, he's not going to treat him as a friend either. That he doesn't deserve Leo's friendship. Let me clarify, I was totally winging it! I knew I should keep Leo in control always, but that's all I knew to do.

The next day, Leo came home and said he "tried to ignore him, but it was just too hard mom." I can't blame the kid, he's in his class, 2 desks down. The next day after that, he managed to ignore him enough for Harrison to get the idea. And as how things work, Harrison decided to ignore Leo too. This went on for a few days, and then they finally "forgave" eachother, and are now "friends again."

That night, I asked Leo if they watched T.V. AGAIN at school. This drives me crazy. Whenever the weather is bad or something is going on in the gym, out comes the VCR. Of course, the kids love it. I asked Leo what they watched, and he said lately it's been "Reading Rainbow". I had no recollection. Leo said we had watched it at home a few times. Still didn't ring a bell - I normally only record PBS type shows, and when he was into it, Power Rangers. Leo said, "Let me sing the song for you." And he begins to sing in a lovely little boy voice, so sweet and innocent. No embarrassment. I enjoyed every second of it, also relishing how creative he was in trying to jog my memory. "NOW do you remember Mom?" And I did.

Everyday Life in 2nd Grade

So Leo, Sydney, and I are in the car driving home from Sydney's Bioset appointment. She decides to call Dad on the cell phone. She crosses her legs, and dials very professionally and gets him live on the phone. She's gabbing away about her day (she's 5 1/2), talking very "grown up". Leo says, "Sydney loves to act like a big girl doesn't she Mom? She cracks me up. She has her 'big girl' voice on." And I nod and smile in agreement (I am driving after all). Leo shakes his head and chuckles "I certainly know my sister".

Love that Theory Of Mind working!

In the car on the way to school (late again), I overhear Leo and Sydney talking about Gary in class, how he gets mad all the time. Apparently Gary (yes, he has an IEP)screams out loud at classmates on occasion, for different things. I say that I like Gary a lot, and that he's your friend, and so what if he has things to work on? (talk about reverse discrimination). That we ALL have stuff - Leo's talking out of turn, I have my temper, Sydney her her whining, etc. Leo says "I know Mom, I like him too, he's my friend. Jeremy tells me not to like Gary, but I do. He's my Secret Friend." I respond by saying all the right things - how no one else is the boss of who you like, and how you need to stand up for your friends. Leo says" I know Mom, I didn't do what Jeremy said. Jeremy knows that Gary is my friend. I just don't talk about it."

Love that social judgement working!

Leo has never told me or his Dad about any girls he may have crushes on at school. Not in Kindergarten or in 1st Grade either. He always gets very defensive and says he doesn't want to talk about it, that it's private. Recently I asked (I can't help myself!), saying, "well, if you HAD to choose a girl to like, who would it be? I promise I won't talk about it or tease you, nor tell anyone else." He held firm. I said, "Well, have you told anyone?" Leo told his best friend, and said his friend will never tell.

Love that he keeps secrets and has a best friend! More social judgement, enriching relationships